Nokia has been mass-producing cellphones since back then when I was just an innocent kid. I remembered back then that the “uso” phones were the Nokia 5110, the Nokia 3210, and the Alcatel phone which screen is so small that you’ll be irritated of using a cellphone ever. Then came when I advanced into Grade 6, there was this 3310 that made waves through the country from the society’s Class A to Class J. And then when I got into my high school days, then came the advent of colored phones that clicked for all Filipinos. The mobile phone units like the Nokia 7650, 7610, 6600, 6610, 3200, 7250, 6630, 9300, etc. were the phones that hit and invaded the market. Then came my collegiate years here in DLSU (it still is the case), and the phones just got more sophisticated, complicated and more expensive. It came with several technologies like the Bluetooth, Wi-Fi capability, Video Conferencing Function and other stuff. It also came with a new name - 3G phone. Nokia calls their series of these phones as the N-Series. (I admit to having one of these). People go nuts over these cellphones and they some tend to starve themselves just to buy their favorite phones. This has been a trend especially with the working Filipino.

And hell, it’s no wonder that this country is called the “texting capital of the world”. It’s because of this cellphone frenzy/cellphomania that the Filipinos have. It seems that everytime there is a new cellphone unit coming out in the market, buyers come out like leeches and flood out on the new phones. And of course these phones can be found almost anywhere in malls - Megamall, MOA, Ever Grand Central and even in Northmall. It’s also no wonder how cellphones have been a status symbol today. If one wants to be rich, he or she just needs to buy top of the line cellphones and even if it means him purging out his cash for his personal consumption needs. Even if it will cost that much, one person will be elevated in the social ranks. That is why social climbers are hot today - hotter than the sales of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts in its inaugural day here in the Philippines.

With the demand of keeping in touch today and the demand of instant and portable communication not only by the Filipinos but also of people around the world, the cellphone is an object of interest for human beings and will be subjected to much more improvements. In the near future, cellphones can be human beings’ personal computers. And Pinoys will still be on their heels, racing for the top of the line phones, and for the social ladder.

But what if these phones go out in the market? Will people still purchase them? Will they purchase these phones?

This is the Banokia. This is a genuine realistic faux plastic banana wired to work with your mobile phone as a plug in handsfree. They may look like toys but they actually work! This Banana style Banokia is the only one of its kind available anywhere - you cannot buy these in the shops, online retailers or eBay. These Mockia telephone treats are so convincing that you may be tempted to scoff them. Please resist this temptation as they taste bloody awful. This is perfect for a fruity conversation!

 

This is the Pokia. The Pokia is a vintage phone handset converted into a plug in headset. These are vintage telephone handsets wired to work with your mobile phone as a plug in headset. They may look like a toy but they actually work! Get all traditional with your telecom habits, and receive your calls on this charming handset.

Please note that these delicious Mockia telephone treats are made from components specifically designed for mobile phone handsfrees. They are not bits of junky old phone cobbled together with glue, chewing gum or sticky tape for speed. They will work faultlessly and will not crackle or fizz, irradiate your cranium or cause your prize mobile to melt or burst into flames. They also come with a guarantee - they are all checked before they leave the factory by trained monkeys, but if for any reason they arrive faulty, return them within 14 days and they will be repaired or replaced free of charge.

Meet the Brickia. The BRICKIA is a genuine vintage mobile phone converted into a plug in headset.

Dating from the 1980’s these lovely telecom behemoths were modeled on oil-tankers, had talk-time battery life of about three minutes and took four people to carry. Saville Row tailors would labour throughout the night to make suit pockets big enough to hold these ungainly beasts. Transport yourself back to those heady days by buying this great big lump and watch as you friends/colleagues/therapist gasp in awe at the wondrous and bizarre nature of your strange telecommunication.

Unfortunately these great big phones can no longer be used in the Uk as the analogue telephone network was switched off in 2001. So these big old bricks can either be used as a door-stop, ballast or converted for this particular use. Plug them into your sleek elegant new phone with its Wap-browsing, SMSing, bluetoothery and other nonsense, then tuck the technology out of sight and make all your calls on the big 80’s badboy. The buttons don’t work, it’s heavy, ugly, and downright pointless, but I guarantee that everyone you meet will want one too.

 

Wassup byatch? Getya Mockia MC goin on fo yo junglist massive posse wiggers out there. Whilst hangin’ with your homies y’all get nuff respec innit. Dis is pumpin aight. Check yo booty call slammin killer vinyl on da decks and y’all be givin it bear licks. AAAiiii.

Translation: Hello friends. Now this really is a treat for all you fans of popular music and urban culture especially those Caucasians wishing to be Afro-American. Whilst in the company of your peers you will earn their admiration. This really is fun. Take telephone calls from female friends and potential life-companions whilst playing some records on the gramophone and you will find much enjoyment. Oh yes indeed.

In essence, these are a headphone handset for your mobile. Unlike normal headphones these are fitted with a mic so you can talk to your callers. Also, if you have one of those new-fangled mobile phones which can play mp3 pirate recordings of your favourite songs then you will find the sound quality really rather good. Also they will drown out the sound of other people on public transport or in the workplace. Perfect.

As used by notable clubland legends such as: Slimboy Fat, Judge Judy, Tall Peter, Timo Mouse, Dick Vandyk, Armand Van Helsing.

 

The Deskia is a genuine vintage telephone converted into a plug in headset.

You can take your important bulletins from Whitehall via this device but don’t forget you must talk in a cut-glass accent halfway between that of Terry Thomas and the Queen.

Experience the joy of 1960’s telecom without actually having to be there. Perfect for the workplace - some lovely retro kitsch to brighten the prospect of any power lunch or board/bored meeting. This lovely gizmo will also look rather charming placed on the bar of your lunchtime “office” or mounted on the dashboard of your Bentley. Please be aware that using this phone whilst driving is an offence and will make it far more difficult to hold your Pimms and Cigar. However stylish you may think it looks, it is dangerous and silly. So get a chauffeur. It is big, clunky, chunky and downright pointless, but I guarantee that everyone you meet will want one too.

There are many different styles and types of phones available in a multitude of different colours.

These rare phones STILL WORK TODAY. We offer them to you at a far less ludicrous price than the original P1400.

Handsfree for the car? Oh dear lord no. Back in the day you would have been positively encouraged to make phone calls whilst driving your Porsche, waving your filofax in the air and listening to Dire Straits. They have a much shorter battery life than modern mobiles - even though the battery itself is the size of Cheshire.

So there are a few features lacking with this phone, but if it was gadgetry you were after you wouldn’t be on this page would you? If you want bluetoothery, textual intercourse, video-mp3-colour-screen-eyestrain then toddle off to the high street and buy yourself something new and shiny and whizzbang. If you prefer something a little more retro then this is the phone for you.

NOW BEAT THAT, NOKIA!