Dearest Los Angeles Lakers,
First of all, congratulations for the wonderful season that you gave us, the fans. We were on the brink of destruction last year because of Kobe’s childish tantrums. Seriosly, I also wanted him to be gone already so we could focus on rebuilding. But I really am grateful to the Lakers front office for keeping Kobe. Surely one year has changed a lot for this team. All of the guys improved, Fisher secretly and covertly got out of Mormon Land to sign with the Lakers, Bynum was a revelation this season, but he got injured in a game against Memphis. Like a wild dream, we stole Pau Gasol from Memphis for players worth a bag of chips and a cake. Yeah, Bynum got injured and then all hell broke loose in Lakerland, but Mitch would weave his magic wand to land us Gasol just some games after Bynum’s injury. Kobe called it a donation, Cuban was annoyed, Pop wanted to build his trade committee, everybody from the else said that they were going to get ass-fucked, but it didn’t matter. We had Gasol and we got rid of the biggest bust that we wanted to bust wide open - Kwame Brown. Too bad promising rookie Javaris Crittenton also went along, but hey, doesn’t matter too. It’s Gasol, silly!
After Kobe’s tantrums that almost shook the whole team to the ground, and a pre-game introduction booing for our superstar, the team finally started to play very well, grabbing the lead in the tightest Western Conference Race in years several times, and finally for the homecourt advantage for the rest of the Western Conference Playoffs. We finished 57-25, 3 games off from the 60 win plateau. We achieved that record although we, for no reason at all, lost 2 games to practice teams like Charlotte and Memphis down during the final 15 games of the season and we barely beat Portland at home. Sasha Vujacic became a revelation in the playoffs, although he screwed the mafia of some cash with his late-game antics in the Conference Finals versus San Antonio. That earned Sasha the nickname VUJABITCH. Fisher just owned Utah in the semis, and Denver was a joke in the first round. Kobe toyed around with the Nuggets. Then the Lakers swept them.
Indeed, the future is bright for the Lakers. The Chinese Magic Johnson named Sun Yue is expected to suit up for the Lakers next year. As of now, we’re also trying to screw the Sacramento Queens like the Grizzlies by trying to get Artest. We’re also trying to trade Odom for some better SF - which is not a bad move at all. We’re also looking at options for the draft. Such a bright future for the team. Despite all those bright stuff, I am still grieving. Not to take away credit from the spectacular season, I only have one thing to grieve about. And I know you know it.
Why did you lose, to all of teams, the Celtics? Yeah, we lost, 2 won games for us to their 4. And they hoisted their 17th championship while we got stuck with 14. We all hate these asswipes and we let them step on our dignity and on our storied franchise. Want some evidence? Check Game 4 and Game 6 of the Finals. Game 4 was supposed to be ours? What did you do? You screwed it up by relaxing like it’s the summer break already. A 24 point lead blown away. We ended up losing by 6. A 30 point turnaround. And it’s not like the Celtics scored 100 or above. Game 6 was worse, it’s like the Celtics had no opponents - or they were facing lucky NBDL competition in the biggest stage of them all. Why did you have to make yourself look like asswipes; losing by 40 points to the team that we all despise?
What happened during that Game 6? The machine ran out of batteries. Lamar Odumb was his old fucking self. Gasoft was just all finesse and softness. Turiaf was a bitch. Radmanovic had gone skating on the court. Kobe was already looking forward to Team USA. Luke just makes us Laker fans want to puke. Ear Jordan was his old, dumbo-ear stupid bitch. Ariza played like he wanted to have an injury again. Fisher had already gone fishing. It was all bad for the Lakers. I don’t mind losing, but losing by 40 points in a finals game only means you’re uncompetitive and you’re already longing to go back to your hometowns already. Shit.
Shit. I know you won’t be able to read this anyway. Allow me to just do something that I’ve always wanted to do but never had the chance to do.
Let me express my deepest and my hate and rage on the Celtics then. Congratulations? FUCK YOU! I hate Kevin Garnett and his face. Plus his fake competitive nature that constitutes him screaming in front of his opponents with his chest-pumps. That makes me want to punch his chest everytime. I hate how he tries to talk down opponents into intimidation. That didn’t work out with all of his opponents. What a sucker. I hate his pre-programmed scream for Adidas at the finals celebration interview. And he did it in front of hot mama Michelle Tafoya. I hate him more for that. I hate Cassell for his trying-hard E.T. impersonation that really pisses and scares me off at the same time. I hate how he also talks a lot in the court like Garnett, spewing out alien bullshit like the Earth has never seen before. I hate how he is so gay, trying to rub his butt on his defense’s balls when he posts up these so called smaller guards.
I hate Kendrick Perkins for feeling like he’s a fucking superstar from being a nobody on a team of jerks last year. I hate how he tried to intimidate Bynum in one of the games of the Lakers against the Celtics in the regular season. I hate James Posey because he’s a dirty player with an annoying demeanor and because he’s a dirty ring-chaser like Cassell. I hate Brian Scalabrine because he is the epitomy of unfair labor practices. How can a guy like him who never played in the Finals get a ring? Life is just unfair. I hate Paul Pierce for how he is saying that he’s an LA native but then shouted the old and rusty BEAT LA when they beat Detroit to clinch their first conference championship in 20 years or so. I hate Rajon Rondo because he wears his headband with the NBA logo turned upside down. Fix it please, you’re old enough to know shapes and sizes, and it makes you look like you don’t know a fucking thing about the Logo. Don’t disrespect the Logo, coz he’s a Laker. Asshole. I hate Kevin McHale for being a true Celtic even though he’s working already for the Wolves. Great job you leprechaun, and don’t worry, you deserve a ring.
Oh well, let’s just hope for a better future. I know there is. Kobe’s just turning 30, Fisher’s just 34. The rest of the guys are under 30. Andrew Bynum is coming back, and we can pick up some helpful free agents who want to ride a championship contender. Everyone will hopefully be better. Pau works with his hardness, Lamar on his jumpshot, Luke and Farmar with their brains, and we’re all fine.
I just have two wishes for the Lakers next year:
Stay injury free for the love of God. And I wish that we’d already stop losing games against bonehead teams, especially against the Celtics.
KTHXBAI!!!
Lots of love and fanboyism,
Purple and Gold
